Hogwarts Animal Diaries 2
When we began the Hogwarts Animal Diaries, we didn’t realise that the House Mascots would also want their say. Here’s the first contribution from one of their number.
We hope to hear from the Lion, Badger and Eagle before too long.*
*The Badger’s complaint can now be seen below.
(Illustrations from ceramic models by Valeria-Johanna)
The Ssssslytherin Ssssserpent Sssssssspeaksssssss
The Slytherin Serpent isn’t very good at keeping a diary. But sometimes, after a couple of whatever it is that armorial beasts drink on a Friday night, he likes to bend the ear of his friend, the Hufflepuff Badger:
It’ss a wonder I’m not a nervoussss wreck. I’m ssssupposssed to be the Hhhhhhoussse Masssscot, ssso you’d think they’d treat me with a bit of resssspect. Not a chancsssse! Firssst of all, there wasss all thiss bussssinesssss with the Basssilissssk. I mean, hhhhow would you feel if some idiot unleasssssshed a fifty-foot high Badger and let it clomp around the ssssschool, trampling ssssssstudentssss right and left? Mind you, it might hhhhave a job ssssqueezzzzzing up through the plumbing, know what I mean, hisss no more, hisss no more? But you’d be nervousss, right?
Then there wassss that Duelling Club bussssinessssss. I ssaw it from my ussual sssspot in the Great Hhhall, dissssssguised as a bit of ssssstatuary. The boy who’ssss called Draco (‘Dragon’ or ‘Ssssserpent’? In your dreamssssss, ssssunsssshine!) went ‘Sssserpensssortia!’ and hhhhyassssassssshhhhhhaaaaaaahssssshhh* me if my friend Sssssanjay didn’t pop out of his wand and fly through the air! And Hhhhhharry causssed a bit of a sssstir by going over and hhhhhaving a chat with our Ssssssanjay! After all the nicssssetiesssss were done I ththought Ssssssanjay might pop over to sssseee me while hhe wasssss in the vicssssinity, being asss hhhe mussst have come all the way from the Indian Ssssssubcontinent, when Ssssssssssssseverussssssss Sssssssssnape (nicsssssse name, crazsssssy guy) only went and exsssploded him! Of courssse, I realisssed afterwardssss that it couldn’t really have been Ssssssanjay, just a rather tassssstelesss bit of magic, but it gave me a nasssssty turn, I can tell you.
Ssssssssssssssssseverusssssssssss Sssssssssssssnape hhhassss form, by the way. You shshould see what hhhhe ussssessss in potssssssionsssss in the dungeonsssssssssss. I mean taking people’sssss sssskinssss off without a by-your-leave? I assssssked hhhhhim to asssssure me that no Boomssssssslangsssssss hhhhad been hhharmed in the making of thessssse potssssssionsss, but hhe jussssst looked at me funny.
Now Fawkessss keepsssss going on about hhhhhow hhhhe did the Basssssilissssssk (with a tiny bit of hhelp from Hhhhharry Potter, ssssseemingly) and looking at me funny assssss well.
The ththing isssss, my ssssstripy friend, we’re all meant to be equal hhhere, aren’t we? All essssentsssssial to the proper balancsssse of Hogwartssssss, am I right? But you wouldn’t ththink ssssso, to lissssten to ssssome people. Why do we perssssonssss of the ssssstreamlined persssssuassssion hhhave to be the sssssymbolssss of evil all the time, insssstead of ssssssome hhhorrrible bird with a big ssssssharp beak that keepsssss looking at uss funny and telling uss hhhow it put ssomeone’ssss eyesss out?
Mark my hisssses, my sssstripy friend, there’sssss only one thththing ththat could make the ssssituatshshshion worsssse, and that’sssss if ssome big daft hhhhhyasssssahhhhasssssahhhhhhhyasssssssahaaaah* triessss to make himsssself into an evil masssstermind and getsssss himsssself one of ussssss assss a pet. Then we’ll all be hhhhhhyyyyyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhsssssaaaaahhhhhhhhssssshaaaaaahshed.*
* * * * * * * * * *
The Hufflepuff Badger Speaks Out
Three years after the Slytherin Snake’s rant, another meeting between the Serpent and the Badger. This time the Badger is doing all the talking.
Things are not as I would like them to be in Hufflepuff House, we have the most unbadgerlike, unlikeable little flea in our Sett, he goes by the name of Zacharias Smith. I suspect Smith shouldn’t be in my Sett, I’d like to have a word with that Sorting Hat, what is it thinking of putting such a self-serving little clawrag into the house of the most hard working, loyal, honest and fair minded students you could hope to meet? You couldn’t get a more hard-working student than Ernie, or a nicer couple of girls than Susan and Hannah, I think Hannah’s got a soft spot for that Neville from Gryffindor, now he’s a person who would have done us proud, why couldn’t we have got him instead of Smith?
Our Sett is usually such a happy homely place, in the best location possible being right next to the kitchens..do you fancy a snack my reptilian pal? I’m feeling rather peckish……perhaps I’ll just trundle next door for a mo………….
Now what was I saying before I went to get these cakes and biscuits, are you sure you don’t want one? No?….well, as I was saying it’s normally lovely in here, but that scowling untrustworthy tick is rather spoiling the atmosphere, nobody really trusts him, and we’re known for being quite forgiving, but that boy is like a piece of dirty straw that needs throwing out of the Sett to make it all nice and cosy again. I shall be keeping an eye on him, I can tell you.
We’ve never had a student like Smith before, I mean obviously they’re not all perfect; my favourite all time student was that Nymphadora Tonks girl, very clumsy, always falling over her own feet and breaking crockery at practically every meal, often in detention, but she was such fun, rather naughty but never nasty and completely loyal to her housemates, very clever too, they tell me she’s an Auror now and it makes me very proud that she spent her seven years here in my Sett. There have been others who were not actually hard working, but always loyal, some who were maybe a little devious at times, but when the chips were down their Hufflepuff colours shone through and they did us proud….talking of chips…..perhaps another visit next door is in order…. But Smith is just unpleasant to have around…..was that him who just left the Sett? I think I’d better go now, my friend, I’m not letting him run around the castle on his own, bringing shame on the Hufflepuff Sett, goodbye, perhaps we can talk again later.
*pats the serpent on the head, and leaves the common room, snuffing the air and hurrying along on Zacharias Smith’s trail*